(Photo: Via WritersCafe.org)
In the seat across from me,*Tanya glances around the room. She’s nervous. I thank her for coming and for having the courage to tell me her story. “It’s no problem,” she says taking in a deep breath.
She begins by explaining how in seventh grade, interactions, status, and belonging all hinged on group mentality. Based on this mindset, one’s value depended on how well they met the unrealistic, and essentially, unattainable standards placed upon them by their peers, media—society. “Individuality was overshadowed by the need to conform in order to belong,” she says quietly.
“One day during P.E. class, a boy walked up to me and my best friend, *Sarah. “It’s too bad,” he said to me, “that you’re fatter than Sarah.”” Looking down at the floor, Tanya continues, “I don’t remember what happened after he said that, but in the weeks that followed, I felt so dejected and ashamed of my body. I started wearing large, baggy clothing and I became more withdrawn from my friends because they were painful reminders of how I should look and what I was being compared to.”
Now looking up at me, Tanya proceeds,”I never left my house and I barely had enough time to do my schoolwork because I exercised so much. I lost so much weight but I didn’t notice until people started coming up to me to say, “Wow Tanya, you’re so skinny now!” It was exhilarating to know think that people approved, that they noticed.” These comments fueled Tanya’s desire to keep losing weight; however, little did she know that the radiance of this desire would turn into something incredibly dark.
Eventually, Tanya developed anemia; she was always cold, and her injuries never healed because her body lacked the necessary protective body fat and nutrients required for healing. “Suddenly, a point came when all those “Wow, you’re so thin!” comments became critical—disdainful—rather than complimentary,” she says, running her hands through her hair. “Even my parents’ friends would ask what was wrong with me, to which my parents responded vaguely to avoid further conversation.”
Tanya was taken to the hospital later on, where it was determined that she was severely underweight. “I refused to do anything that would result in weight-gain; in fact, I did just the opposite—I kept exercising, restricting my eating and isolating myself even more,” she says. This continued for three years.
Tanya stops talking and looks up at the ceiling while tapping her feet on the floor. “I’m better now. I’ve gained weight obviously,” she says, still looking up. “I thought that once I got better, that would be it. But almost everyday when I look in the mirror, I hate myself. I still get jealous of other girls’ bodies and once in a while, I think about going back to it.” She pauses and gives me a small smile. “I know that it’s expected for me to end on an optimistic note, to give a testimony about how I came back from the dark side,” she says. “Unfortunately, that’s not the case. I’m still trapped.”
*Subjects’ names have been changed to protect their identities
-Angel
A Culture of Us 